So today after the gig I was sitting on a bench minding my own business when this guy sits down next to me and immediately says, “Hi, what’s your name?” as he sticks out his hand and reeks of alcohol. I got away from that shit as fast as I possibly could. Let me explain something to everyone. I was going to say “Let me explain something to all you douchey guys,” but then I realized this behavior and cluelessness is not limited to douchey guys, unfortunately. So let me explain something to you all. If you want to pick up normal people, this is how you do it:
1. Don’t accost them and force them to interact with you. It will freak them out and frustrate them and they will flee.
2. Don’t reek of alcohol, B.O., drugs, cigarettes, or anything else. Don’t even reek of cologne or perfume. Just don’t reek. Be clean and well-kept, and if you smell of anything, let it be body soap (not dish soap, as someone I know smells like. That is weird.)
3. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to engage anyone who is engaged in another activity, be it reading, listening to music, riding a bike, running away from your annoying ass, whatever it is. If they’re doing something else, LEAVE THEM ALONE. They don’t want to talk to you and they have the right not to talk to you. There are people who will be ok with talking to you. Work on them.
3. You cannot just force a stranger into a conversation out of the blue. You have to make it look like it’s just happening, not that you’re insisting that it happen whether they like it or not, and you have to tacitly get their permission. You can do this by starting with something harmless, like asking for the time. If they tell you the time and keep walking, let them go. If they stick around, you can maybe mention when you have to be where you’re going or that it’s later or earlier than you thought (but don’t just lie about this, idiot. Keep it honest.) If they converse with you after this point, you may be in the clear to keep talking to them for a bit. If not, let them go.
4. I know you’re trying to pick the person up. You know you’re trying to pick the person up. Honestly, they know you’re trying to pick them up. But you have to pretend like hell that you’re NOT trying to pick them up, or you will never pick them up. So don’t do anything stupid, like telling them how attractive they are one second after you met them, or commenting on their appearance in any way. Don’t talk about being single and lonely (Would you find that attractive if someone said that to you? Hint: you’re not supposed to.) Just don’t be a total idiot about it. People need time to figure out if they have any interest in talking to you further, and I can guarantee they won’t if they think you’re just trying to bone them as quickly as possible and you’re clearly insane and/or pathetic.
5. Be cool. This is easier than it sounds. Just be an active, interesting person who does lots of things and is busy and knows about some stuff. People expect you to come on to them and will just reject you if you do it clumsily. If you avoid coming on to them and instead just get to know them and let them get to know you, if they’re interested, things will happen.
6. If you’re the only one keeping the conversation going, it’s time to end that conversation and move along.
So bottom line is, don’t be a douchebag or an idiot. There are already too many of you in the world and no one will appreciate you for being a douchebag or an idiot. Be a respectful, cool, nice, interesting person who has some interesting characteristics or redeeming qualities, and you’ll be fine.